What Was The Most Traumatic Experience You Ever Had That Others Sees Differently???

What do you consider traumatic in your life while others see extremely differently?
When I was 17 I was raped by two older men.
I talked to my mother about a year later and finally told her what happened to me, she shrugged it off. She said that she had been assaulted as a child and that it happens to most women at some point. She said, “just get over it, I did.”
She made me feel like it wasn’t a big deal. Like it happens to everyone. I knew that sexual assault and rape is something that is unfortunately common, however, I never thought that it wasn’t a big deal. No matter who you are or how it happens, it’s not something to brush off.
Flash forward to when I was 19 and I was having so many issues with my boyfriend (now EXboyfriend). He just couldn’t understand why I was so sensitive. So jumpy. Why I would get scared of him sometimes when he was angry or why I became emotionless a few times during sex and then cried after. I would always take burning hot showers because I felt disgusting. Just remembering what happened to me, what they did to me, it made me sick.
Anytime I would have a panic attack or get emotional and try to tell him he would scream at me. He’d scream in my face “what is wrong with you!” and it made me freeze up. He wasn’t understanding of anything so I never could find a time I was comfortable telling him. It was something I never spoke of to anyone other than my mother, and her reaction didn’t make me feel like telling anyone else.
Finally, a year and a half into our relationship I was so drained. I felt empty and numb. I just said it. I blurted it out in his truck and explained how the two men raped me, choked me, slammed my head into glass and covered my mouth while I cried and begged them to stop until I couldn’t fight anymore and I just laid there. I told him how that’s why I shut down sometimes during sex because my mind would take me back to that moment and I’d go numb. I explained to him that this is why I’m so sensitive, why you scare me when you’re mad. This is why I get quiet and shut down a lot.
He looked me dead in the eyes and said: “well get over it”.
I started shaking I was so angry. I screamed at him, for once I actually had a little bit of courage and I said “GEE I DIDN’T FUCKING THINK OF THAT! Wow, you know what I think I’m finally cured! Just get over it, huh? Never would’ve thought to do that. Thanks.”
He didn’t take my sarcastic tone very well. We got in a huge fight and he basically told me, “well I don’t know what you want me to do about it, but your life would be a lot easier if you just got over it.” He didn’t understand that I didn’t want him to do anything but be understanding, just to accept that my past was something that affected who I was as a person.
A few months later we broke up and I am very thankful that I haven’t talked to the asshole since.
However, I did meet the most amazing man at 21, after a healthy amount of being on my own and a lot of therapy.
And you know what?
There was one time, just once that I started having a panic attack during sex with my current boyfriend. I said “wait stop” and put my hands over my face because I didn’t want him to see me freaking out. This boy jumped off me so fast, I felt horrible.
He immediately was asking if I was okay and if he did something wrong. I told him he did nothing wrong, I kept mumbling sorry and I said I just needed a hot shower. So I went into the bathroom and turned the shower on burning hot and sat at the bottom and silently cried. I didn’t want him to hear me or see me having a breakdown.
I was so mad at myself. I had finally found a guy that was so caring and sweet. I really liked him and I thought I was doing well with therapy and all. Then I had to go and fuck it all up. I kept thinking he probably was going to be gone by the time I get out of the shower. I thought he’d be mad that I made him stop during sex.
Then I heard a knock on the door.
He asked if I was okay. I can still hear the worry in his voice, it made me feel terrible.
I tried to say yeah but my voice sort of cracked and I’m sure it didn’t sound believable.
Then he asked if he could come in.
I thought about it for a second and then said yeah.
A few seconds later he comes in with his boxers on now and he pulls the curtain back a bit. For some reason I couldn’t look at him, I didn’t want him to see me. I was already hyperventilating and hugging my knees. He probably thought I was a freak.
Then I felt his hand on my back. And for some reason, the best part of all is that he didn’t say anything. Not a word.
He just sat on the edge of the tub while I sat under the running shower and he rubbed my back for a while. Then when I turned the water off he grabbed me a towel and wrapped me up.
I told him I was sorry again for the millionth time. I said I just couldn’t breathe. He gave me the softest smile and told me that I had absolutely nothing to be sorry for.
I was in awe, I had never met someone as patient and understanding as him. Once I got dressed we went out on the patio for some air and smoked a cigarette together. He told me that he was sorry if he triggered anything to make me panic, I told him he did absolutely nothing wrong, that there’s just something wrong with me. He shook his head and told me that there’s nothing wrong with me. He said that if I wanted to talk about anything I could, but he respected me if I didn’t want to. I told him maybe some other time, and we moved on and talked about other things.
To this day I haven’t had a single panic attack like that again. I’ve never once not felt comfortable in his presence. I’ve always felt safe and accepted.
Eventually, I told him what had happened to me. He told me that he already knew it was something like that… Not the details obviously, but he told me that the night I had that panic attack he instantly made the connection that something had happened to me before. It took him less than a few weeks of being with me to make that connection, yet my ex had no clue for years.
He was extremely understanding and he just listened. Sometimes that’s all a person needs!
He is one of the most amazing men I’ve ever met. I’ve never met anyone so genuine and understanding. He’d opened up to me about a lot of trauma and things in his past that he had to work through himself. I shared my wounds when I was ready, and he shared his.
Being with someone you trust and can actually talk to really works wonders. It should be a two-way street, of open communication, love, understanding, patience, and acceptance.
So yeah, I consider what happened to me at 17 to be extremely traumatic, I still have nightmares, I still get anxious around most men and I’m still in therapy. Yes, I’ve had two people I thought I trusted tell me it wasn’t a big deal, telling me to get over it.
But I found one man who made me realize that no matter what you’ve been through, your thoughts and emotions about something that has affected you do matter. They matter significantly.

Unfortunately, the love of my life passed away almost 3 months ago on his way to work. I’ve been empty every day since. I don’t think I’ll ever find someone like him again, he was everything my soul needed and now he’s gone.
He truly was too good for this world, I believe.
Rest in peace Connor John. I’ll see you soon.
I hope my story has helped someone in anyway.
All I have to say is hug your loved ones so much tighter and appreciate every moment that you are still living. You never know when someone is going to be taken from you in an instant. You never know when your life could end in an instant either.
Connor and I had a lovely camping trip the weekend before he passed. We watched the sunset, stayed in a tent all weekend and slept under the stars. It was pure bliss. We sat by the fire for god knows how many hours smoking way too many cigarettes and talking until all hours of the night. We went swimming and he kept stealing my girly sun hat and I’d laughed so hard my stomach hurt. I can still see his beautiful smile.
We came back Sunday and spent the night unpacking and watching That 70’s Show as usual. I fell asleep in his arms.
He woke me up Monday morning and gave me a kiss goodbye before he left for work. He said he’d see me when he was off. I heard his motorcycle ride away that morning for the last time.
An hour or two later I get to work and his sister calls to tell me he passed away that morning. He was running late and speeding (typical fearless Connor who thinks he’s invincible). There were two lights back to back that turned yellow at the same time. He sped up to make the first light, then realized he couldn’t stop his motorcycle fast enough for the second so he sped up and ran the red. He hit an SUV and was pronounced dead at the hospital.
He passed September 16th 2019 at 7am.
He was 21 years old.
Not a day goes by that I don’t get sick to my stomach and cry just thinking about him really being gone.
So like I said, appreciate every moment you have. 

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